I’m a train wreck in the morning
I’m a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning, I can be really mean towards you
I’m a puzzle yes indeed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren’t even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.
Beyonce described me (during this pregnancy) best in this song. Those exact lyrics describe me to the T these days. I have been a complete mood swinging Bish and to top it off, my face is completely broken out, my eyebrows are growing out beyond past due to be groomed, my pedicure is chipped and crusty, I have nibbled my nails to nubs, my hair hasn’t been done in 2 months and I wear the same clothes every day because nothing fits, I am a complete and utter mess(in my Simon’s voice)! And don’t try to size me up next time you see me because this very blog has inspired me to get my life together so the things in my control will be fixed by the weekend!
It’s funny because as soon as I wrote “the things in my control” I realized most everything in this post mental and physical is within my control, so I’ll consider this post an attitude check as well!
(pause this post for clarity)
The other day I saw and reposted this meme because I LOVED what it says. In a nutshell, just love yourself and be grateful because you will always have a list of I wish I had or I wish I was but you will always be the epitome of someone else’s list. So please, please don’t take offense to my complaints as they are mine and know that in this post I am just venting and being honest, but with sincere gratitude for my complaints because I know they could be worse!
So at 17 weeks, 3 days pregnant with my 4th baby and almost 30 years old, I feel completely different than I have with my other pregnancies. My body feels tired. I already have a lot of Pressure. I have discovered about 100 new varicose veins in my legs, I have a weird ring forming around the belly button that I have never had before and overall I am uncomfortable.
However, I am having more issues mentally and emotionally than physically this pregnancy. I love my body when I am pregnant! My hips, butt, and thighs go back to the juicy prime size they were when I met my hubby (minus the 3 pound uterus of course) so a part of me feels accomplished and sexier haha, my boobs get bigger which I also love and I love the feeling of a human growing inside of me, it makes me feel like a superhero!
But emotionally I am a train wreck. My nerves have been so bad this pregnancy. I constantly feel on edge and am easily bothered. Contrary to my last 3 pregnancies where I was begging Jason for sex 🙈 this go-round I feel so mentally exhausted and unattractive that it has robbed me of that heightened experience. Still enjoyable, I just can’t honestly say I am necessarily begging for it.
In addition, I’m nervous to see what post-baby toll a 4th baby will do to my body. To date my stomach hangs to the floor when I am on all 4s (grateful for my long torso so I’m pretty good when standing upright), my boobs are uneven and full of stretch marks, my V-Jay muscle feels non existent and like they are still recovering from my previous almost 9lb baby, and I’ve been eating healthier and my uterus is bigger now so I fear this baby maybe even bigger 🙈.
Then, wrapping my head around 4 kids, I mean 4 girls and raising young women in this disgusting world freaks me out completely and the thought of really wanting a boy leads me to picture myself with not 4 kids but 5! This means doing this all again gets to be a bit too. (Again, I am highlighting the cons here, there are many pros to all of this, I am aware).
With all of this being said, I can’t be the most fun person to be around and yet my husband who has to or gets to live with me, however, you want to look at it, has shown me nothing but grace, mercy, and love. He continuously tries to do any and everything in his power to change my mood and make me happy. He doesn’t reciprocate my attitude and whether he’s telling the whole truth or not, he still tells me I’m beautiful.
I wanted to take a moment to say thank you! Thank you to God for blessing me with such an amazing man and thank you to my amazing husband for putting up with me through this time. This pregnancy has been a true test of love because with all things considered it would be easy to just treat me bad and not tolerate my shenanigans but instead he has helped me see the bright side of each day and of each moment. He’s constantly telling me to stop and be grateful for what I have and all of the good I am surrounded by and to stop focusing on the bad. He is so right. And I am so grateful to have that voice of reason because I have really been in my feelings.
I have a whole nother blog post I am wanting to write about this but I will just touch on it a bit here for starters, 2 words: Social Media!!!! I am addicted, and I love it. But I believe it is a blessing and a curse. It really creates this world of perfection and comparison that makes it so hard to be happy in your own skin. While I am dealing with all of these internal thoughts, I am constantly being reminded about how far off I am when seeing photoshopped, made up, a professional camera captured beauties who make me feel worse about myself, and feel like I have further to come if I want to catch up. What am I catching up to? I need to stop and just be the best me! That is all I can do. Here is my example…..
This is how I look when I have my makeup is done and a professional photographer taking my pics that get posted on social media…
And this is how I look when my 8-year-old takes my picture in my bedroom, no makeup, on an iPhone…I obviously feel more like this pic in real life, because this is my real life, no filter, haha…sigh
But this pic I love and would throw a filter on to spruce up a bit, blur my red acne scars, turned head so you can’t see dead on how a mess I look and feel and it can pass as an acceptable compromise of reality meets social media reality. And I mean c’mon, how can Charlie not make any picture look 100xs better?! She’s what it’s all about at the end of the day anyways!
What this feeling has reminded me of is that we must find it within ourselves to love who we are and be ok with our flaws. It’s hard for me to embrace my husband’s unconditional love when I am not loving myself. He can tell me I’m beautiful and that everything is going to be ok every day, but if I don’t find it within myself to believe it, it won’t be true.
You see some of the most gorgeous and talented people suffer from depression and self-hate and it reminded me that you never know what people are showing on the outside, you never know what’s really going on on the inside behind photographer’s magic angles and the handy ol’ iPhone filters, so just smile and love people, and moreover, love yourself, flaws and all!