It was on December 22nd…
Jason: Babe, I don’t know about you man. Your booty is getting bigger and I didn’t want to be rude but I’ve been noticing your stomach looks bigger too. You need to take a pregnancy test….
Me: I been in this gym. Respect my gains son. Plus I just ate In-n-out, you know my stomach has muscle separation, it’s just like that.
Him: Have you been eating In-n-Out the last few weeks, everyday?
Me: (rolls eyes). Fine I’ll take a test. But there’s NO WAY I’m pregnant. I haven’t even started my period yet since I missed it with Indi.
**Texts my sister Jord**
We were going over that day for my nephew Jjs birthday party so I took a test and would you believe this…
This was my 4th out of 5 pregnancies that I was not planning and it came by major surprise. I mean I don’t take birth control and clearly the pull out method doesn’t work for us. But we were not trying. We were not trying for a boy. Or a girl.
In fact, I had just gone to the doctor and got 3 months’ worth of birth control against my desire but it was what I had to do in order to prevent getting pregnant.
So when did this happen?
How far along was I?
I was guessing it had just happened that month since I did have one day of bleeding so I knew my period was on it’s away. But I and Jason started being careful at that point.
So I scheduled an ultrasound, it was Friday and the appointment was that Tuesday.
I woke up the next morning with panties full of blood. I’ve never had this experience so I freaked out.
All the worst thoughts came rushing through my mind. What was wrong with the baby. What was wrong with me. Is there still a baby.
It was a long weekend and Tuesday rolled around my heart was pounding praying there were a baby and a heartbeat in there.
I decided to do a home birth so the center I went for my ultrasound was a school and by law, they couldn’t tell me anything. So for literally like 15 minutes, I’m laying there trying not to think the worst. But holding on to the fact that if there wasn’t a baby alive and well they wouldn’t be taking so long.
Ultrasound tech: I’m going to need a vaginal view. Go use the restroom and empty your bladder
Now I’m shaking. Could they not find anything? What’s going on. So I go pee and come back.
Ultrasound tech: Were actually not going to do the vaginal screening. I’m going to go get your husband. (He initially wasn’t allowed in the room)
Why do they need to get him? Surely they don’t need to show him a baby that has lost its life. But why are they bringing him in but they haven’t showed me anything to this point…
So in he comes. I can tell he’s just as confused and nervous as I was.
The tech pours more jelly on my belly and turns the screen
Tears come flowing down my eyes
Wow, that’s a full-blown baby. I was expecting a little blurb you could barely make out.
He/she was flipping and kicking. My God, this miracle creating never gets old. I was 11 weeks 3 days, nearly 3 months pregnant and had no idea. Separate blog coming about being more in tune with my body…
So weeks go on and I continue to bleed off and on. Apparently they saw a bleed behind my placenta so that’s what they were closely examining during those long 15 minutes in my ultrasound. My midwife said 90% of the time it corrects itself over time so that’s what we have been praying for.
In the meantime she had me stop working out and take it as easy as possible. So that’s what I’ve done.
I decided to do noninvasive blood work because I couldn’t stand to wait until 15 weeks to find out the sex so I got the blood work and waited a week to receive the results.
In the meantime, everyone in David’s Den was talking to my belly like it was our boy. It just had to be. 5th baby, unexpected, giving us some scares we just knew it was him!
So MLK day comes and I woke up and checked my email as I had been each day. It was there!!!
The Results are In!
My heart was racing. Hands shaking. I opened this document attached which was so scientific I didn’t even know what I was looking for. Why couldn’t it just say It’s a Boy. Or It’s a Girl. Or have a blue or pink circle or something.
I finally found it. It said 99.4% negative Sign of the Y chromosome. I’m like cmon. That’s how you say it’s a girl
I was so flustered and shocked that I even googled Y chromosome to make sure that was a boy and nearly had to double-check that negative meant no sign haha. It was a mess.
Then this happened. I just sat there and cried.
I called Jason and was balling crying. Bless his soul. He said Babe what’s wrong? I could hear the concern in his voice.
Me: It’s another girllllll
Him: Aww babe cmon, I thought something was wrong with you or the baby.
Me: There is. It’s another girl
Him: (takes a deep breath) No cmon babe. It’s another blessing. I thought something happened. We’re going to have another healthy princess, we got this.
I love him for always seeing the bright side and encouraging me it’s all going to be alright.
Please accept my raw vulnerable moment of truth with respect to it being just that and know that I have so much respect and love for women who cannot bear children, who have lost children and or have children with disabilities, birth defects and or health issues. Any and all could happen to me and I am so grateful that to this point I have not endured that. I just hope this part of my openness is not offensive.
So I told the girls. Berry and Charlie didn’t react much to the sex, they were more concerned with car space. Jastel was a little disappointed and in disbelief. She just knew this was a boy.
Berry: We’re going to need a new car
Charlie: We’re going to have to give away Indi so we have room (I died)
Jastel: You never know. It could still be a boy
Me: No baby girl, it’s 99.4% a girl.
Jastel: Well that’s not 100%. God does miracles.
Me: Well now that’s having the faith of a mustard seed.
She literally had just asked me the other day what that phrase meant. So I was able to use that as a teaching moment.
Life has gone on. God has continued to chisel away at my heart and give me grace into finding pure gratitude.
I wrote a letter to my son It helped me let go and trust God. It taught me to be grateful for what I have and not focus on what I don’t.
I’m having a little Deja Vu when I found out I was pregnant with Indi. I blogged about that too.
Then I went to a mastermind and sat by a fertility doctor. She helps women conceive and prepare space for pregnancies. We’re chatting and I am in awe of what she does.
Me: Maybe I should have a 6th, all of mine have been accidents. I’ve never planned and prepared to bring them into the world, that sounds amazing!
Her: It is an amazing experience to do so. But there are no accidents. Each baby’s soul chooses you. They know exactly when to arrive and who their parent needs to be to give them just what they need.
Me: Bursts into tears
I was overwhelmed by this sense of peace. I needed to hear that. I shared with her my situation and it was like a closing point. A point of pure peace and gratitude for this baby girl who has chosen me to be her mother and Jason to be her father.
I am so ready to bring her into the world and raise her up. My little lady!
“It’s accepting that we are not in control
Giving our lives to the one who is
He wipes our noses and subdues our fears
Honestly, that’s all it really is”