“Put your Happiness in the hands of other people and you’re screwed” -BloodLine
There’s a moral to this blog but I’m going to write it more like a journal entry than anything else because that’s just how I’m feeling right now.
I’m tired of being trapped.
In my own fucking head. Letting my mood. Energy and happiness fluctuate on how the outside world “makes me feel.”
Being triggered by how many likes and comments my posts get. How many followers I have on social media…
Basing my beauty on that of a comparison to perfect, pre-planned, curated and filtered squares at my fingertips.
Defining my sexiness or lack thereof by the amount of ass and titties I have, or lack thereof compared to all the plastic (no disrespect… I want my boobs done too. Most days) But that’s still not reality. The reality is, many women had messed up boobs just like mine, they just got them fixed. Meanwhile, I’m over here ruining my days feeling like shit over it, comparing myself to that. Letting it rob my self-reflection of beauty when the size and shape of our boobs don’t equate to beauty at all. Smh
We keep setting the bar higher and higher. When will it be impossible to reach? How far will we go to be perfect on the outside and unhappy on the inside?
Maybe it’s just me…
The rest of y’all look happy as hell on the gram haha. So maybe I’m the only one letting this ish trap me…
First of all, it’s sad I’ve been basing so much of my life on Instagram. But I live on that thing. I have built my brand there and so I spend many hours a day in that space. Or used to anyway. I have a feeling I can’t be the only one feeling some sort of way due to social media so I wanted to be honest about it and share in case it could help someone else.
And if I am the only one thinking this way, if you’re not struggling with this, please share how you deal. I’d love to know!
Let me give you an example of a spiral I get trapped in from being on Instagram: Clicks popular page…Nothing but gorgeous, naked women. Instead of me just admiring them, appreciating their beauty, which I do, I really do and then moving on with my life, I internalize it and rip myself apart and deem myself unworthy and less than. I’m not enough. My skin isn’t buttery enough (AKA I can’t live real life in a fucking filter and I don’t get my face professionally made up every day), My boobs aren’t perky and big enough (AKA they have nursed 4 babies, and soon to be 5, and I haven’t built up the balls to fix them, yet). My booty isn’t big enough, anymore (AKA It used to be until fake ass became a thing, so now real ass is small, but shoot I ain’t mad at ya, I love having a booty so I feel you). The list of comparisons goes on and on and on…Even though I know I am enough, It’s hard to believe in those moments when you’re looking at what seems like perfection.
Then my mind goes from tearing myself down to becoming insecure about my man. Wondering how he can possibly think I’m beautiful when he’s seeing all this all day long too.
Men have had access to magazines, porn, strip clubs and the like but they had to put in a little effort for that still. You know every now and then with their boys, after work, while taking a shit on the toilet… Now It’s at their fingertips. All-day long. No effort. No cost even. Aside from their time, but thats neither here nor there.
What is it doing to our minds? Does it even affect men? Or can they separate the two and not be phased by seeing these beautiful naked women all day long and then come home to their lady and still love and appreciate her beauty? Maybe so…I mean there are fine ass men in the world too. And when I see them, I may look but it doesn’t make me want to cheat or leave my hubby. I honestly don’t think it’s the images itself that cause problems so much as the impact the images are having on our thoughts…
When I’m ripping myself apart all day long, robbing my self-confidence and love, how can I possibly feel beautiful, sexy, confident and free? And if I am not thinking and feeling this, how can I possibly be it? I mean I am a beautiful woman, but If I don’t think and feel it, neither will my husband. Yes, he’ll see my physical beauty, but what really matters is what’s inside. The energy I give off. The confidence I exude. If I have been tearing myself down all day, when he gets to me I am not the most pleasant ball of sexiness there could be. And now he has that reality to compare to the filtered reality on the gram.
I believe that it’s not the sexy woman’s body alone that attracts our men and allows them to lose interest in their woman. I think it’s the lack of confidence and self love the woman has in herself that causes unattractive energy about her. This isn’t all about cheating or men lusting after women. It’s just one spiral I fall into because we do live in a time where men are more and more distracted and unfaithful and that’s a devil’s assignment. He is here to kill and destroy families and that starts with the man. So we can do our part to love ourselves in God’s image, not our own.
I even started realizing I wanted my husband to womanize me the way women are on social media. My mind started thinking I had to be naked and perfect to be sexy, beautiful, desirable and deserving of my man’s attention. So if he didn’t come home and grab my ass and tell me how fat it was or talk to me the way the comments read on these posts, I would feel less than and not noticed or loved. Crazy right….smh
This is embarrassing to even say out loud and maybe should have stayed in my journal. But it’s the truth. And the truth always sets you free. So if I can help free up another woman the way I am working on freeing myself, it’s worth it.
One day after being knee-deep and an hour wasted of my life into some instababe’s page, I realized, how can men deny it? I can’t even stop looking. Women are beautiful. All colors. Shapes and Sizes. We’re just undeniably amazing.
It boosted me instantly. And helped me snap out of the spiral I was in. Who gives a shit if he’s looking at these women all day long? I mean I do care, this is not a hall pass to go eat your heart out (if my hubby reads this haha), but I am not going to let that thought rob my own peace, joy, and happiness? I am not going to allow it to let me feel less than and not sexy and beautiful?
I AM FOX.
My beauty lies in my confidence. And my confidence roots from my self-love. How can I love me if I’m hating myself while comparing to other beauty? I can’t.
I am sexy. I am beautiful. I am enough. And so are you.
I have gotten a lot better with this mindless trap I fall into but It still catches me up a time to time, here is how I am working on getting free of it.
+ Controlling my mind.
I saw this quote and it was exactly what I believe to be true “It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to has power over you, if you allow it.”
When I start feeling these feelings dwell up in me, I get off Instagram and change my focus and seek God. I start resorting to prayer to fill up my thoughts versus the negative.
If I start envisioning my man lusting over other women more than me, I give it to God. It has brought me so much closer to Jesus because I am talking to him so much more. I give it to him in prayer. Correct him. Convict him. Renew his mind and spirit. But let that not be my worry and focus. Let that not rob my joy. My confidence. My thoughts. I will not give it power over my mind.
It changes my mood. And breaks the habit. I recently was at a womb healing workshop and learned that we can become addicted to drama and the adrenaline rush of negative thoughts and situations. I was like wow. I have addictive behavior in my blood and I realized I have been addicted to the adrenaline rush of that gut feeling I get when thinking about all the what If. It’s pretty sick but now that I am aware of it, I am able to release power and pray that those chains be broken. Just like someone would fight to break a drug or alcohol addiction, I have to fight the addiction of turmoil in my mind. It is not serving me and I will no longer give it power.
+ Detoxing the amount of time I am on Instagram. It is such a SMALL part of my life yet has taken over such a huge amount of my headspace, for too long. So limiting the amount of time and energy I give it has been a game-changer.
+ Having self-love and awareness. Since I have started focusing on my gifts and purpose and giving it to the world, I have had less time and less room in my brain for the bull to creep in. It is easy to slide into a funk and not focus on my gifts and my work and that’s when the devil has more room to run in my mind. But when I put my focus on giving love and light, that’s what I receive.
+ Journaling. I was beginning to journal about this and I decided to share it with you. Writing these thoughts out. They’re unorganized. Don’t make much sense. Don’t have a concrete order or direction. But they’re taking up space in my head and have to get out. Releasing it helps so much. I could be better and more consistent with journaling, but when I do, it works.
+ Embrace Beauty and DO NOT COMPARE. I think the biggest thing that has helped me get free of this has been embracing the beauty and not being intimidated by it. I can look at a fully covered swagged out woman and be like damn she’s the bomb and then see a half-naked woman and think the same thing. Beauty is so broad and can be defined in so many ways. It is not defined by how much skin we show or how perfect our curves are, even though Instagram will have you thinking that’s the case. There is no one kind of beauty. We are all beautiful, if we are tapped into the beauty from within.
Ultimately beauty boils down to love and confidence. Loving yourself and owning your version of beauty you bring to the world. True beauty is what’s going on in the mind. How we think about ourself which impacts the energy and light we give off.
My daughter was drawing a picture of our family one day, and she showed my husband and said: “I can change your face a little bit.” She meant just to look more like him but his response was “No, I’m a handsome baby girl, I like my face how it is.” Now that’s self-love! I mean he is the sexiest man in the world but no one is perfect, everyone could have a better XYZ, but he loves himself just as he is! That’s the love I want for myself and the love I want to teach our daughters.
My joy. My beauty. My sexiness and my validation do not fall in the hands of anyone but myself. It’s in my head. It’s within my gifts and my confidence. It’s in my self-love and awareness. I am in control.
We all can become trapped in our thoughts. This was just one example of thoughts that consume my mind. Whatever is trapping you, don’t give it power. Take control of your thoughts and therefore your life!
So here’s to no longer being trapped. Get free beautiful, you are enough so long as you believe it.
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